My Problem, Not Hers

She's watching for flying squirrels

I have a pretty good hunch that our meetings with the child psychologist (consultation, evaluation, feedback) are going to end up being more about Adam & me as parents, as opposed to Charlotte. While we were sitting in the hour & a half consultation, I'm blabbering on and on and the therapist keeps nodding at me and telling me to relax and asking if we can try and stay a bit more "focused".  

I'm thinking to myself: I am an idiot. Charlotte is being nothing but completely appropriate and adorable. Picking up toys before asking for new ones, following the rules, answering all of his questions honestly and openly, laughing at his magic, but completely believing it.  I'm concerned about Attention Deficit Disorder for her and he's telling me to relax, calm down and stay focused. And the more we talk about Charlotte the more we realize how awesome and amazing she is.
Not only that, but when we got home from the appointment that afternoon and she asked if she could finish her worksheet she didn't get to finish in class, I said, sure.  She traced and printed 40 H's/h's. Then she started spotting the letter "H/h" in magazines and asked to cut them out for her homework. Before she went to bed, she completed her "due Friday" worksheet (on Tuesday), and drew the line for her name, and printed her name.
My mom said one day it would just click. Apparently, it was the day we took her for her evaluation with the child psychologist.

Which was good. Her class took a field trip on Monday to Publix grocery store.  Charlotte was bored and fidgety...but I mean, she has been to the grocery store before.  I like Charlotte's teachers, and I make a pretty strong effort to get in the good graces of any teacher/coach/therapist/doctor/nurse/shoe store owner, ANYBODY whose actions or words will effect my children.  So, the teacher rode with me, which gave us ample "chat" time. The teacher pointed out to me, lovingly, kindly, that the three kindergartens that Charlotte's preschool feeds, all require testing to be accepted into. 

Holy cow. 

Rigorous testing. 

Charlotte had her fall testing on Wednesday, well, partly (it takes an hour after-school and she had speech).  Thank goodness, because when I picked her up she was crying.  She reached her "wall" early on and was frustrated to the point of tears. 

I'm a novice but still say: "Learning should be fun!"

I'm a person that's pretty familiar with "panic".  I've been like this my whole life.  Everything is a BIG DEAL.  I catastrocize.  I panic if there isn't something to panic about.  I may be deflecting my own anxiety onto Charlotte.  So what if she's "behind" her peers?  She's 4.  She's kind.  She's bright.  She's creative.  She's inquisitive.  She's healthy.  

I messed up with speech.  Let's be honest.  When her pediatrician told me at her 3 year well-child check-up that everything was "fine" and that her speech would "naturally improve over time" I should have insisted on another opinion.  I took too much for granted with her health and the asthma and the bronchitis's and the pneumonia's.  I should have gotten the hell out of Columbus and up to Egleston in Atlanta a year ago...I put too much faith in other people.

...so now I'm afraid of being "passive".  I've got to advocate for my children.  But what does Charlotte need from me now?  That's what I'm struggling with.

Discipline?  More structure?  

or

Patience?  Encouragement? 

I believe  that both girls are in the best preschool in Columbus.  I have invested myself into this school.  I love it.  But is it the wrong one for Charlotte? 

It's brilliant for Ruby.  Fantastic.  And Charlotte loves going, her teachers greets her with a hug and a kiss and an, 'I love you' and 'here's what we're going to do today...'  How much better can it get? 

Maybe I'm just not handling the pressure well. 

I'm pretty sure that's what we'll learn in the feedback session:  Mom needs to calm the f**k down.

Wait, wait, wait!  One more thing:

The therapist is cool.  Kids love him.  He does magic.  Charlotte can't remember her teachers name, but she has not forgotten "Magic Kevin".

Magic Kevin's Three Rules for Parents to Live By:

(1) Never yell

(2) Never say "No"

(3) Never tell, always ask. 

The first three years of Charlotte's life?  That's totally what I did.  Takes an insane amount of patience and people look at you like you're CRAZY.  There's judgement and raised eyebrows and scoffs from everybody.  Makes you doubt your methods.  Then the kid goes through normal, autonomous, developing stages and starts tantruming, suddenly everybody is telling you it's because you never tell her "no"!  And you believe it because it is kind of a "weird" way to "parent" and nobody else is doing it and your prone to self-doubt anyway...

These are my problems.  Not hers. 

When it all comes down to it...I think I'm wanting an expert with a Ph.d to tell us what to do with the move, because I have been struggling and struggling with what to do.  I want somebody to tell me, defintively, what the best decision is: move the family or don't move the family.  In fact...I'm in a bit of a panic about it.